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Online Dating – How To Deal With The “I Want To Get To Know You First” Excuse – The Blackdragon Blog


When you’re engaged in online dating, one of the dumbest, and sadly most common excuses women use when you do a date pitch is, “I want to get to know you first.”

This is, of course, stupid. You don’t get to know someone over a fucking dating site or app. The only way you can truly get to know someone is by sitting down and talking to them face-to-face in real life.

I suppose one could argue that you could Skype or FaceTime instead of that, but that isn’t what these women are suggesting either. They just want to waste more of your time by chatting back and forth over the stupid dating site/app.

Saying that you don’t want to meet up with someone because you want to get to know them first is like saying you don’t want to buy a lawnmower because you want to mow the lawn first. It’s just irrational bullshit.

Some women will counter this by saying that what they really mean is that they don’t feel safe, and that the need to “get to know you first” to make sure you’re not a serial rapist or axe murderer. Again, this is stupid because women know damn well that you’re going to meet up in a very public place for the first meet where she will be perfectly safe, not go right over to the guy’s house, all alone in the middle of the night (and yes, there are always exceptions to this).

You need to understand that this excuse is simply that: an excuse. That’s all it is. Don’t pay any attention to it whatsoever other than as an excuse to delay the interaction and waste more of your time. Sometimes women do this as a provider hunter move in order to qualify you as a beta. Other times they do it because they’re just attention whores who have no intention of ever actually meeting you (or any other guy on the site/app) in real life.

It doesn’t matter why she says this. Always ignore what women SAY and only pay attention to what they DO. When you get this excuse, you simply need to proceed with the usual proven dating system I describe here. Just proceed.

Granted, you still need to address that in some way while proceeding with the usual system. If you avoid answering any direct questions or requests when talking to a woman online, your odds of success always go down.

I have had sex with many women over the years who used the “I want to get to know you first excuse” while talking to me online, including in just the last few years. Here’s exactly how I did it:

First, I write back a message that starts with “Sure! I live in such-and-such and I do such-and-such for work. I have two kids and I travel a lot. I work pretty hard but I set my own schedule. For fun I like to…” and give about two more very general sentences about me.

Second, I close the message by saying “Is there anything else you’d like to know?” And then I add, “If you’re comfortable, we could meet up next Monday after work for a quick coffee. Just for about 30 minutes.”

This way, I’m accomplishing the following things all at once:

1. I’m honoring her request for more information and not blowing it off, which would raise red flags.

2. I’m still moving the process forward. The only goal, as always, to all online dating is to get that first date scheduled and make sure it happens. I’ll answer her questions and concerns, but I will not let her delay the process. Otherwise, I’m gone.

3. I’m making the date pitch very light, friendly, safe, and “no big deal.” If she’s giving the bullshit “I need to get to know you first” excuse, the odds are decent that she’s nervous about something and needs a little lighter touch. This is fine as long as you keep moving the process forward.

If you are using a dating app like Tinder or Bumble, the conversation is much more like a texting conversation, so you are free to say something like “What else would you like to know?” and answer a few more of her questions. Just a few. Not many. Don’t get into friend zone!

If you are using a dating site like OkCupid or Seeking Arrangement, do not make the mistake of saying “Okay! What would you like to know?” and then having some big back-and-forth conversation. Doing that will kill your odds. You need to move swiftly.

If, after this exchange, she still gives you more bullshit about wanting to get to know you, it’s time to drop her and move on. Trust me, she has no interest in actually seeing you (or if she does, she’s not going to have sex with you quickly). Send her a final message saying, “I completely understand. If you change your mind, just hit me up. It was really nice chatting with you!” and then move on.

By the way, the above technique assumes that you’re doing everything else correctly as I describe in the Ultimate Online Dating Manual, such as your photos are as best as you can get them, you’re not being negative or too sexual in your online banter, your openers aren’t too long, and so on. Doing the above will not cure anything else you’re doing wrong, it will only improve your results if you’re doing everything else correctly.

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