I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing guy. It’s only been 6 weeks but it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had; he’s totally devoted to me, asked me to be his girlfriend 3 weeks in( before we even slept together) and he tells me daily how lucky he feels to have met me. And yet…I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to fell !! Because of my ex and past heartbreak, I feel like this can’t perhaps be real, and I keep wondering when I’m going to find out that he’s an asshole or a liar or an alcoholic … Yes, I know, that’s a lot of dread. There are moments where I have felt totally convinced that he has lost interest or is lying and then he says or does something amazing that constructs me realize what a paranoid weirdo I’m being.
So anyway, yeah, your email really resonated with me. If I consider your question” How would you act if you knew that your relationship was safe and permanent ?” I guess the answer is that if I knew the relationship were safe and permanent, I would be able to actually enjoy this thrilling and wonderful stage of falling in love !!
if I knew the relationship were safe and permanent, I would be able to actually enjoy this thrilling and wonderful phase of falling in love !!
My question for you is: I am not a clairvoyant and I have no way of knowing this relationship is safe or permanent. So how do I stop catastrophizing? Merely pretend like it is safe and permanent?
Thank you for all that you do !! Alicia
My 20 ’s were rough. Anxiety. Moving from NY to LA. Depression. Friendlessness. Professional failing. Losing my Dad. Dysfunctional relationships. For a guy who had a little too much confidence in college, I pretty much got my ass kicked all over the field until I was in my 30 ’s. Things eventually changed when I wrote my first book, “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book- A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating, ” in 2004. The volume got a nice review in Time, which led to specific features on USA Today, which led to a feature on CNN, which led me to drop out of UCLA Film School to pursue e-Cyrano Profile Writing full-time.
In retrospect, the major issues causing all of my problems were uncertainty, instability and dearth. Once I received a career in which I felt like I could control my own destiny, my confidence came back, fund began to roll in, and I felt more comfy creating my standards for dating. Seven years after I wrote my first volume, I was married, financially procure, bought a home, and had a daughter.
And then I ran into a friend who I knew from my 20 ’s, who pretty much knew me as a fighting screenwriter who liked online dating and talking about feelings. When I updated him on my whereabouts for the past few years, a smile infringe across his face, which I was able to read instantaneously as: “Look what happened to you! ”
Sure enough, just as you wrote to me about your good fortune in love, I told my friend that I’d had a great run and I was awfully worried that the other shoe was going to drop.
I never forgot what he said to me next 😛 TAGEND
“Did you ever consider that the first 35 years of your life WAS the other shoe? ”
“Did you ever consider that the first 35 years of their own lives WAS the other shoe? ”
It made me like a smack in the face.
Instead of operating from that place that said things MUST go wrong because they always go wrong, he instantaneously reframed all is point out that I’d already paid my dues and this was my time to finally relax and enjoy myself.
Could he have known that, definitively? Of course not.
But instead of waking up every day worrying about whether I’m going to get cancer or what the climate will look like for my children or whether my spouse is going to fall in love with another man, I choose not to appear past my good fortune.
Sure enough, the more confident you are, the more present you are, the more appreciative you are, the more the world around you rewards you.
So while I can’t guarantee that your wonderful new boyfriend will be your future spouse, I think you can’t get much better advice than treating him as if he will be and assuring what happens from there.
Enjoy what you have, and who knows, maybe the other shoe will never fell at all.
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